The strange men on the roof outside my kitchen window are making odd noises and deeply unpleasant smells. This is hopefully due to the fact that they're repairing said roof. For months the bathroom and lavatory ceilings have leaked in the event of heavy rain. Perhaps it's fortunate that they're doing it now with the world teetering on the edge of war. (I wonder whether the new leading will protect us against bio-chemical terrorist attacks?). However, their presence means I'm housebound until they're done. And one's giving the other a right telling off. Wish they'd finish and get knotted.

The not-war got in the way of last night's intended story, namely my first experience of live contemporary dance. Jane (our kid's missus as opposed to Robin's mum) is a student and practitioner of the art form, and it was the first time I was seeing her perform.

There were five separate pieces, the opening one being a comical number in which another of our friends performed. This was followed my a more solemn piece, which I took to be something like a reflection on opposites of people's natures. Third was a strange number, possibly about constraints of structure. Then came what can only be described as a menage-a-trois lesbian tea party - possibly the oddest of the lot. Finally there was Jane's dance in which she wasn't a mermaid, much to the surprise of two young men who caught her (or at least that's what she says). With my little-used art critic's hat on I'd say it was a witty piece, and Jane gave a great performance full of character.

I was expecting to tolerate the evening (having called contemporary dance pretentious wank on more than one occasion) but am pleased to say I actually enjoyed it - for its artistic merit and not just the opportunity to see 11 lithe, toned young women push their bodies to the limit. Although that never hurts.

But, um, basically... you what? I still don't understand the bloody thing or why they do half the stuff they do, when nobody in the audience can really claim to know what the artist has intended. Sure, people nod sagely and talk about the meaning, but they're just clutching at straws.

Still, I s'pose if it's not hurting anyone and it keeps them off the streets. Although it could be a plot to confuse us all so throughly that they enable an alien invasion to take place. I think we should watch them all very closely. Just try not to think about what they're doing.

You may laugh at my paranoia but when contemporary dancers try to take over the world, just don't say I didn't warn you...