Oh, this is glorious.

Haven't been half-cut on a Friday night in months. Now we jus have to see how the Big G reacts to an evening of white wine.

Must apologise. Really haven't felt in the blogging mood of late. Head fuckage. But am getting back in to the swing of things. Normal service will resume this week.

Stay tuned.


And now here's Fidel with the weather...

And now here's Fidel with the weather

Castro writes off Hurricane Ivan as just another American scheme to blow him away.


No. Just no. No, I say. This is a big fat hairy mistake which can end in nothing but tears. Mostly mine. So no.


My openness to conspiracy theories is no secret: Lee Harvey Oswald didn't act alone; the Bush administration knew an attack on America would suit their objectives; international football friendlies are fixed to suit domestic political objectives; that sort of thing.

But my new favourite is the one behind Bill Clinton's sudden illness.

Everybody's favourite philandering ex-president was expected to play a key role campaigning for John Kerry in the run-up to the US election. Now, just two months before polling day, he's been scheduled for a quick spot of quadruple heart bypass surgery.

The Bush team has nobbled him. In line with a finely balanced schedule of food-spiking, for the past four years Bill has been secretly fed large quantities of lard, in an effort to build up the fatty deposits in his arteries. The doses were calculated to accumulate over the years, and scheduled to go boom right about now.

Now Bill's suddenly breathless and clutching at his chest.

The Republicans have the motive (four more years of their chimp-like nincompoop fronting the Axis of Evil - Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Rove), they have the ability (who's at the end of the chain of command for Bill's secret service detail?), and they have the form (they can't rig this election the same way they set up 2000, so they had to dream up something new).

Oh yes. You may laugh and call me crazy. But consider the facts and you just may see a little too much coincidence.

So when the confidential files are opened to the public in 75 years, don't say I didn't warn you.

Disclaimer: There is no evidence to support any of these claims*. But isn't it fun imagining?
*Except Oswald and 9/11


In other news...

Three killed in rush for IKEA vouchers in Saudi
JEDDAH, Sept 1 (Reuters) - Three men were trampled to death in a rush to claim vouchers at the first IKEA furniture showroom in Saudi Arabia on Wednesday, hospital officials said. Sixteen shoppers were injured at the Sweden-based furniture store's showroom in Jeddah. Medics revived some 20 customers who had fainted in the crush.

The stampede was triggered by an offer for the first 50 shoppers to received $150 vouchers. An official at IKEA's Saudi agent said more than 70,000 people showed up at Jeddah. Hospital officials said two dead were a Pakistani and a Saudi national.

IKEA is known for simple, reasonably priced products.

Any reference to the phrase "flat-packed" would presumably be inappropriate.