25.3.06

Une liaison dangereuse?

"These pockets are very full," said my uncle Chris, of the coat I'd lent him as protection against the biting London evening air.

"Yes," I replied, "there's all sorts in there. I should really clear them out."

So it was that I found a reminder of an evening in America almost 10 years past: a bracelet, an accidental memento of a girl with whom I had a brief, entirely unexpected but very enjoyable liaison. A night which my inexperienced and panicking mind then sought to ensure was unique by scaring the young woman in question with a very intense, confused letter.

I remember the bracelet because after our tryst, she'd expressed concern about it having gone missing. It had no value other than sentimental, she told me. I swore I'd look for it.

It wasn't until months later that I found it quite by chance, hiding in a suitcase pocket. By then I'd lost all nerve and decided to hang on to it as a keepsake. The wrong decision, I know.

But I thought I'd lost the bracelet years ago, and its sudden reappearance presents me with a problem. I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. Because I know I'm highly likely to meet the girl again in the autumn, for the first time since that night in October '96.

Except she's now, to the best of my knowledge, a married woman. A New York lady married to a Geordie. One with bad teeth, by all accounts, probably obtained by being very protective about his women.

I have to give the bracelet back, that much is clear. The question is how do I it while preserving as much face as possible.

And more importantly, how do I avoid causing a scene at a large Italian-American wedding? Not that I wish to bandy about stereotypes, but knowing the family as I do I don't want to spoil the bride's big day.

Please help me do the right thing. Or at the very least get out of this with all limbs and senses intact.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

The answer is easy.

1. Go to a local jewel selling emporium and buy an appropriately sized case for the item in question.
2. Put the item in the box.
3. At a time in the future, probably when the orthodontally impoverished Geordie has made the mistake of going to the bog, produce the case.
4. Present it to her and say that you saw it in the window of a tiny shop, the kind you'd almost certainly miss if you're less than watchful, and remembered that she had lost one that looked, as best you could remember, "quite similar".
8. Get back on the plane feeling sheepish but very happy, perhaps with a 'kerchief, infused with her perfume, in your pocket.

You can fill in 5, 6 and 7 yourself.

Hope this helps.

Murphy Jacobs said...

Or, if you prefer the cheap and honest version ;)

1) Put the bracelet in an envelope
2) Write a short note saying "I found this and I think it was yours. Here it is again." Sign your name
3) Write her MARRIED name on the envelope
4) Hand it to her when you run into her again, saying "Oh, here, you'll never guess what I found while cleaning up." She'll probably say something like "You're kidding! I'd forgotten all about it. Thank you!"
5) Nod, make whatever small talk is necessary, and go get a drink.
6) Move on to the next lovely girl waiting to make you all stupid and stuff.

Mister Connor said...

Oh, come on. Live a little. Here's what you should REALLY do...

1) Show up at her place of residence.
2) Make uncomfortable small-talk, peppered with uncomfortable silences (during which you will smile and wink at her) and wait for the tooth-bad Geordie to arrive home.
3) Continue to sit silently. And keep winking.
4) When Jealous Tooth-bad (surely a Viking name?) asks what is going on, wait for Mrs Lovely Tooth-bad to squirm and explain that she hasn't a clue.
5) Raise your eyebrows, as Hugh Laurie circa 1992 might have done.
6) Watch the neanderthal, and probably bordeline Social Work case, Jealous Tooth-bad try to fit the pieces together as Mrs Tooth-bad, getting wilder and wilder with fear of the earlier tryst being discovered gets mentaller and mentaller.
7) Produce the bracelet and, with a look of smugness usually reserved for the recently fellated, casually say "I think we both know what this is about, Mrs Tooth-bad" and saunter out of the door.
8) Sprint like Billy-O for the airport.
9) Wait for reports to filter back to you about how Mrs Tooth-bad is reverting to her maiden name. Or that she has been murdered.
10) Take pride that you have given very real drama to two totally undeserving souls.

Come on, man. It's the ONLY thing you should do.

Anonymous said...

Even easier - just don't give it back. Keep it! Her tastes are probably all bergdorff by now anyway.