Hate is a very strong word, yet it's one I feel able to use when discussing Northern Ireland, and one which could provide a solution to the whole sorry affair.

(Bear with me, please, while I set out my stall.)

Hatred and fear seem to be the most powerful, motivating forces in the make-up of the province's establishment. Fear that the status quo will be challenged and positions of privilege will be lost. Hatred of the enemy drives many of the most prominent players currently trying to determine the province's future: Ian Paisley, Gerry Adams, David Trimble are all guilty of one or the other.

When the peace process features in the news agenda, as it currently does, I can barely contain my contempt for those - mostly hardline unionists, best embodied by the Reverend Ian Paisley, not to mention his own personal Mini-Me - who stubbornly refuse to let the nation move on, seemingly concerned only with protecting their own personal interests, and quite willing to let the rest of society continue suffering.

David Trimble, on the other hand, seems to be as decent and honourable a man as you'll find in Ulster politics, yet he's allowing fear to rule his thinking. Unfortunately, he believes that if he concedes too much ground to the Republican movement, he will hand the initiative, and the populist Unionist vote to the fossilised bigot Paisley, a turn of events that would set Northern Ireland back several hundred years. So he puts up a tough front, when he should just take the plunge in the hope that his principled stand will be preferable to decades more of suspicion and semtex.

(Hang in there. You're almost at the clever bit.)

The IRA are no better. They're happy for General John de Chastelain to report on the decommissioning of arms, but why on earth do they insist on a lack of detail or physical evidence? Would it kill them to hand over an inventory and a few Polaroids of the knackered Kalashnikovs and rogered rocket launchers?

Gerry Adams at least has a legitimate cause on his side, however despicable the methods used by some of his associates. Britain stole Ireland, and should have returned the six counties of the north along with the rest of the Republic. But realism rather than pessimism is the order of the day when I say that's unlikely to happen.

Having seen many press conferences over the last couple of days, one of the greatest problems would appear to be the body language continually adopted by the respective parties. Whenever a party leader makes a statement on the talks, he is backed up by a motley crew of like-minded lackeys, as if to say, "This is what I think, and if you don't like it you can take it up with my mates."

It's a political version of the Jets and the Sharks, and as long as it continues, each side will feel it has to participate in these shows of bravado. The testosterone-fuelled posturing will always get in the way of finding a real, peaceful solution to Northern Ireland's sovereignty.

So...

(Here it comes.)

Seeing as no one appears willing to back off and cool down, I suggest harnessing the hatred to solve this problem along with another that seems even less likely to find an agreeable resolution, namely Israel vs the Palestinians.

Simply put, the answer is for the global community to sponsor a fully-funded, winner-takes-all military play-off.

Each side would be given an equal amount of money and a set time in which to recruit and arm as large a fighting force as possible. Furthermore, the US, Britain and all other major military manufacturers would be obliged to sell weaponry to which ever side came shopping, so as not to favour one faction over another. A suitable uninhabited area would be selected as the location for each engagement.

Israel would then take on the Palestinians, and Republican dissidents and Loyalist paramilitaries would kick off against each other, each "match" continuing until it had a clear winner. These two victorious semi-finalists would then meet in a decider, for the title of "Undisputed Disputed Territory Champion of the World".

Of course, the format of such a competition could be subject to negotiation. Another possibility would be a mini-league with each team playing the others in limited-over hostilities, four points for a win, two for a draw, bonuses for numbers killed, et cetera.

So my solution to the problem is either that, or follow the advice of Lieutenant Ellen Ripley: "I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. That's the only way to be sure. "

Maybe faced with these alternatives, the intransigent bastards on all sides would decide that conversation and compromise wasn't all that bad.